Wow this creepy old dude (40 or 50) just followed me all the way to my house because I gave him the finger for driving 10 under the speed limit!! I pull into my driveway and he pulls up behind me just starring at me so I get out and say really you followed me to my house? Fuck off you creep or I’ll call the cops on you. And he said nothing and left. Like??? Wtf. Does he think he is intimidating me? Cause If he does I’ll cut his dick off if he shows up again.
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- Me when someone sees a photo of me: I look better in person
- Me when someone sees me in person: I look better in photos
- me at 15 years-old: don't tell me what to do
- me at 20 years-old: please tell me what to do
- My anxiety: somethings off
- Me: how so?
- Anxiety: somethings wrong
- Me: what
- Anxiety: something
- Me: like can you give me a general idea
- Anxiety: somethings off
Med school exams be like
- Question: a patient presents with [very specific set of stereotypical symptoms] ...
- Me: YES I KNOW THIS ONE I'M SO GLAD I STUDIED IT
- Question: ... and is diagnosed with [syndrome]
- Me: oh no
- Question: given the likely treatment, what entree should they avoid during their birthday meal ten years from now?
- Me: ...
me: i need to save money
me: *gets money*
me: *buys drugs*
They told me to pour my heart into everything I do. So that’s what I did, I poured and poured and poured. Now they ask me why I’m so empty.
(via florential)
me: where’s the toilet?
New Yorker: take a left up over at 6th and catch the bus between 12th and 32nd. there you’ll see a hotdog cart at the corner of 53rd…you gotta go on straight past to 47th. between 8th and 34th there’s a little place, ask for Mikey, tell him I sent you an he’ll let you in aight
me: thanks. I’ll just piss in the street
Taylor Swift songs make me feel sad and nostalgic about things that haven’t happened to me

